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Hilarious reviews thread...
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blodhemn9



Joined: 12 Aug 2009
Posts: 4961
Location: Chicago

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CR99 wrote:
blodhemn9 wrote:
"Like, where's the Brees?? "

That was the best part by far. I fucking HATE that shit.

BRRREEEEEEEEE BRRREEEEEEEEE BREEEEEEEEE .


I've seen that Teitanblood review before. What fucking moron wrote that, a Nightwish fan??


What's wrong with Brie
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yuck yuck yuck...fuckin' wise guy Wink
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BreedingtheSpawn



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 9:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read that Teitanblood review a couple months back and I was thinking what the hell.
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CR99



Joined: 26 May 2007
Posts: 9617
Location: M�lheim an der Ruhr/Germany

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 9:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Adoomado wrote:
Teitanblood - Seven Chalices

The Spanish formation Teitanblood has an odd way of prioritizing what has to be done in order to release a record. The artwork, for instance, is of a superb level of awesomeness. Furthermore, the songs are interchanged with high-quality sound-bites and orchestra scores. However, the music on ‘Seven Chalices’ is of a very appalling level and has been recorded in what seems to be a Medieval fashion. Teitanblood does not care. Teitanblood comes from Spain and believes that death metal has to be über kvlt.

Sp let us play the game ‘do not sneeze out your drink’. Take a big chug of whatever drink you’re in to and let me introduce you to the band. On guitar: Usurper of Eternal Comdenation and Inverted Crucifixion. Bass and vocals: Iniquitous Templar of Iron Black Faith and Deathrapist Redemption, and finally on drums, the one and only Morbid Entity from the Depths Below. The true underground is still alive! I’m laughing my balls off.


Rating: 25/100

http://www.lordsofmetal.nl/showreview.php?id=13772&lang=en


Laughing
great review
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Gompo



Joined: 19 Jul 2009
Posts: 193
Location: England

PostPosted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not as interesting, but here is the same persons review for..

Portal - Outre:

The Australia-based death/doom moloch Portal offers quite an indigestible release in the shape of ‘Outre’. The album was initially released in 2007 by Profound Lore Records but the lads at Osmose took the liberty of making ‘Outre’ available for the European market.

A mix of monotonous death metal, blistering drone and weird ambient might seem interesting in theory but one will have to obtain more than an open mind in order appreciate this offer. When observing ‘Outre’ in a sober state it turns out to be nothing more than a pile of noise without any clear structure. Nice if you’re into shit like this, but strange descriptions like alternative audio hallucinogenic and otherworldly esoteric provide little guidance. It’s cool whenever musicians genuinely let their feelings speak through music but it is not said that this will lead to musical quality (the same goes for the most sinister black metal). Do you often have an avant-garde-like state of mind and are you a fan of monotonous droning? Portal might enrich your senses. Are you into good music? Then it won’t.
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Teh_gei_Master



Joined: 29 Nov 2008
Posts: 486
Location: Finland

PostPosted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 6:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is so damn ridiculous:

http://www.metal-observer.com/articles.php?lid=1&sid=1&id=2124

But this is sooooo funny:

Disappointingly Punk and NOT "Death" Metal. - 30%
Written by toxicparadox on October 2nd, 2006

For supposed death metal, this album is weak. From the first track, it reminds me more of a spiced up Led Zepplin or maybe a generic punk bands. The riffs are boring and predictable, reminiscent of the 3-chord progressions used in generic punk songs. The vocals are not intense or brutal as death metal from, say, Behemoth would be.

We finally hear some double bass and a little more full-on drum beat by track three. But for song titles like Heading for Decapitation and Chopping Spree, one does not expect the vocalist to be calm and relaxed while singing about something so brutal. He sounds sophomoric and it is evident that this is a first release. I do not consider this album "true" to the roots of old death metal. The only death metal characteristic I find is the lyrical themes. The guitars are slow and boring, and as the album progresses, the more I feel like I am listening to 'The Ramones'.

The guitar solos again sound like 80s hair metal solos and are not at all shredding, fast or complex. Dragged Through the Mud sounds exactly like the title says, if anything it is boring doom rock, nothing close to Death Metal.

Bottom line, the sounds from this album stunk up my dorm room and while I won't delete it, it will only remain buried in my archives. This is NOT death metal - just boring repetitive crap. Don't get this if you want real death metal.



Death Breath is just a fucking lame The Ramones rip-off and BEHEMOTH is the shiznit!
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HotBlack



Joined: 26 Jun 2009
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Like, where's the Brees??"

Fuckin LOVE that hahahaa..hello new sig. tag Very Happy
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holgerdanske



Joined: 25 Aug 2006
Posts: 223

PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 1:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Greatest. Review. Ever.

So the band Bernard Doe has made a legend in its own lifetime has at last got a vinyl release. (I hope you lot are grateful to METAL FORCES for your new found fame!)

So, are HELLHAMMER as drastic as Bernard makes out. (sic) Well to be perfectly honest - no! They are far, far worse. This has got to be the most appalling pile of shit in metallic history. "Apocalyptic Raids" consists of four absolute abortions - three of which sound the same and have nothing to do with music as we know it. Titles are irrelevent - since who knows or even cares what these guys are craping on about - its so awful.

Its not even tolerable in Punk terms, I mean at least your average Punk band can play a bit, (some like DISCHARGE are even brilliant!) but HELLHAMMER - woe, woe, you are noise - fast noise I admit. Even the first track on side two which I imagine is supposed to be the "Piece de Resistance" (I think because its the slowest and longest track) is absolute garbage.

Come on HELLHAMMER do us all a favour and give-up (sic) now, before you destroy all known music and corrupt the youth of the world with your musical turd.

To your average fan I'd insist you buy this record - it serves as a testement (sic) to the worst group in history - and anyway I fell a right prick being the only person on Earth to own it!!

- Dave Constable, METAL FORCES


Last edited by holgerdanske on Sun Aug 23, 2009 1:17 pm; edited 1 time in total
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holgerdanske



Joined: 25 Aug 2006
Posts: 223

PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 1:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Runner-up greatest review:

Goat Metal....baaah baaah. "When the flame of love and pureness have turned to bestial lust. When the walls of gold in heaven close in and turn to dust." Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before, and to be honest, from start to finish, this new release by Sweden's Bathory reeks of every formulaic concept that Venom ever had the pleasure to originate.

Singer, songwriter, guitarst and self-proclaimed vampire/zombie clone Quorthon will spout differently, telling you that his brand of Satanic Black Metal is a brainchild all its own, owing nothing to Venom, Slayer, Hellhammer, and the list goes on. Well, I'm here to tell you differently. In fact, its funny that somebody as pretentious as this fellow cites his biggest musical influences as being Stravinsky, Bach, and, most of all, the Beatles. One can only laugh. I have listened to this dreadful piece of schlock several times and have yet to hear any of these influences surface anywhere.

(...)

So now you're asking, "Why is it that Bathory fail so miserably?" Well, the majority of songs on [/ii]The Return[i] are so purposely fast they lose total effectiveness.
All melody, which was prevalent on their debut release, has diminished to nil with the exception of "Born for Burning" and "Bestial Lust," which don't sound like the rest of the lot presented here. the overall mix has the aural effect of a cement mixer, with lead guitar breaks sounding like they're being delivered via a five-mile long corridor and Quorthon's voice like 20 frogs in a blender.

(...)

It takes no bravery to be a fan of Bathory, but it may take the mentality of a
zombie to consider Bathory's new record worthy of commendation. If they choose to incorporate some original ideas next time around (if there even is one), maybe they'll deserve a better shot. In all: a rush job which doesn't really deserve the amount of time I have put into reviewing their record.

- Peter Davis (Creem)
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Black_Fire



Joined: 20 Jan 2008
Posts: 3691
Location: Poland

PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 1:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Teh_gei_Master wrote:
This is so damn ridiculous:

http://www.metal-observer.com/articles.php?lid=1&sid=1&id=2124


Song structres? None. Something like melodies? Not in the least! Production? Only audible here and there. The music is like a rotting piece of meat, disgusting and unhealthy. And as a "good" rating of the CD would be an attack on the dignity of the band, I will only give it 1 point, fearing for the ire of hell.

I think is great that Blasphemy and such bands gets wrost possible reviews from "normal" people. This is best recommendation for us.

From the other side once time I read an Revenge review, writen by an girl for an profesional music mag from Poland, she praise this band in very funny way, its even more ridiculous when she give for it 8/10 not 2/10 if you know what I mean Wink
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flo/thrash attack zine



Joined: 13 Nov 2008
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Yo dawg! Like wheres the Brees???"

haha that slang is soooo cool Laughing
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Conservationist
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Joined: 25 Feb 2009
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 6:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

dalecooper wrote:
That review devoted way too much energy to an easy target. It's like posting pics of Guidos - funny in small doses, but if you make an entire web site about them, kind of pathetic.


That's not a nice thing to say about Metal Archives!

Quote:

Weapon - Drakonian Paradigm

The first track, "Weapon," uses an introductory riff/solo pair that resembles the first track on Unanimated's In the Forest of the Dreaming Dead album, a minor-key bluesy sound; the rest of the album does not improve on this: Weapon are trying to merge heavy metal and war metal and as a result have made a kind of pop music that might be interesting if it's your first metal album. This album is musically well-executed, but that's only a means of tying together its parts, not make them express anything. And express nothing they do, except that sense of "you're listening to some kind of metal" that comes with simple beats, solos so fast they sound like eunuchs on speed mumbling, and raspy vocals. Every single song here uses well-known patterns with no new interpretation. It panders to the audience by delivering what they expect, in sloppy underground fashion aping a version of the same mainstream heavy metal most of us hide from if given a chance. The problem is that it's boring. It's basically 1970s heavy metal, kind of sloppy like Venom, with bouncy rhythms. If I wanted to listen to pop music disguised as the avantgarde, I'd just hook up with some DEERHOOF and tight jeans. This is everything I hate about heavy metal: an insular culture that rewards repetitive pointless music so they can have an identity, clustered in products like jean jackets and CDs, that has nothing to do with experiencing life -- but rather, hiding from it.

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GoldenBull



Joined: 10 Jan 2008
Posts: 7021

PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 6:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Conservationist wrote:
dalecooper wrote:
That review devoted way too much energy to an easy target. It's like posting pics of Guidos - funny in small doses, but if you make an entire web site about them, kind of pathetic.


That's not a nice thing to say about Metal Archives!

Quote:

Weapon - Drakonian Paradigm

The first track, "Weapon," uses an introductory riff/solo pair that resembles the first track on Unanimated's In the Forest of the Dreaming Dead album, a minor-key bluesy sound; the rest of the album does not improve on this: Weapon are trying to merge heavy metal and war metal and as a result have made a kind of pop music that might be interesting if it's your first metal album. This album is musically well-executed, but that's only a means of tying together its parts, not make them express anything. And express nothing they do, except that sense of "you're listening to some kind of metal" that comes with simple beats, solos so fast they sound like eunuchs on speed mumbling, and raspy vocals. Every single song here uses well-known patterns with no new interpretation. It panders to the audience by delivering what they expect, in sloppy underground fashion aping a version of the same mainstream heavy metal most of us hide from if given a chance. The problem is that it's boring. It's basically 1970s heavy metal, kind of sloppy like Venom, with bouncy rhythms. If I wanted to listen to pop music disguised as the avantgarde, I'd just hook up with some DEERHOOF and tight jeans. This is everything I hate about heavy metal: an insular culture that rewards repetitive pointless music so they can have an identity, clustered in products like jean jackets and CDs, that has nothing to do with experiencing life -- but rather, hiding from it.


He's back! Very Happy
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weaklingone



Joined: 05 Aug 2009
Posts: 1265
Location: UK

PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 7:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CR99 wrote:
blodhemn9 wrote:
"Like, where's the Brees?? "

That was the best part by far. I fucking HATE that shit.

BRRREEEEEEEEE BRRREEEEEEEEE BREEEEEEEEE .


I've seen that Teitanblood review before. What fucking moron wrote that, a Nightwish fan??


What's wrong with Brie
delicious


yeah, those crazy metalcore kids are real crazy about their creamy French cheeses
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adrian5118



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PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 8:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rolling Eyes Razz
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getfuckedbro



Joined: 04 Mar 2009
Posts: 317

PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 2:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

end of a peccatum review

...At this point you pretty much get exactly what this albums is all about. There is no need to decribe the rest of the album. If you ever manage to get this album do not torture yourself by listening to this or your friends. Your enemies perhaps. If you find it in a bargain bin, it is still a waste of money. If you burn this album you just wasted a blank CD. If you literally burn this album you wasted a match or valuable lighter fluid. Just throw it as far away as possible or give to the US Army to torture Saddam Hussein. He'll talk. I don't know anything about WMD's but if you played this I'll say anything. Damn all of you for making my ears bleed. You wasted 44 minutes of my life. If I ate this CD I would crap crap. You have been warned.
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