P R O D U C T I O N S
 
 FAQ 
 Search 
 Memberlist 
 Usergroups 
 Register 
 Profile 
 Log in to check your private messages 
 Log in 

Hilarious reviews thread...
Goto page 1, 2, 3  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Nuclear War Now! Productions Forum Index -> Main
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
adrian5118



Joined: 30 Dec 2008
Posts: 2670

PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 8:49 pm    Post subject: Hilarious reviews thread... Reply with quote

Just reading the following text instantly made me fall over. It really does deserve it's own thread... plus any additions people have. This was stolen from a local MySpace friend. Obviously it's sarcastic and in the vein of a Metal Archives review.

...I've never seen so many accurate stereo types for hXc "bro-moshas".



Entombed - Left Hand Path
Wheres my Whitechapel dawg? - 25%


So the other day I was looking for some really br00thal death metal and some douchebag with long hair and a denim vest recommended this album. Dude cut your hair and wear a polo with a flat bill hat. That's some really fuckin metal clothes right there bro. Man it blows. I mean I really love death metal like Suicide Silence and Whitechapel, y'know really heavy shit that makes you want to dance like a 8 year old having a seizure. Me and my boyz like listening to it too as we cruise in my brand new Mercedes and hanging out at Hot Topic or when working out and getting my swoll on. Y'heard me? But man this shit makes me sit and think and I don't like doing that since I like to fuck my 16 year old girlfriend instead of listen to complex music.


First off this album starts off like the garbage it is without a cool sample from The Punisher or Saw and just has some guys yelling and then it goes into this lame ass death metal. Yo, where's the breakdowns? It just goes through these riffs that sound like there from some horror movie and like it sounds different every 20 seconds and there's nothing to two-step too. it's dark and spooky and not good for working out to or cruising around to or dancing like a down syndrome penguin to. That's the only reasons I listen to music because otherwise I just be on myspace and checking out all the hot middle school chicks.It also goes on for like 6 MINUTES!!! Long songs aren't cool because I can't pay attention that long, I mean I liked that 9 minute Green Day but that song was really emotional and made me think of my girlfriend. I love them hos, particuarly barely the ones that just hit puberty. The rest of the songs have these things called leads and they don't blast beat all the time and sometimes they slow down into these scary, doom parts after going somewhat fast.


Also this guy's vocals suck. He sounds like a monster and he don't change it up, dawg. Like wheres the Brees and the high pitched 16 year old wailing? Also there's no new cool gang shouts that get me pumped up and angry about that teacher calling me a Neanderthal. What the fuck is that anyway, like an alien or a movie? I mean he should of seen that movie Zen of Screaming and then he could sound like that dude from Impending Doom, who's just sick! He's also growling about stuff like death, apocalypse, and zombies and shit but he should really talk about raping and dismembering that girl who just broke up with you. That's what I wanted to do to my last ho when she said there was 6 year difference between us and her dad thought I was a pedophile, love has no age bitch. I mean that stuff Entombed sings about is just creepy. Did they get their name from that Job for a cowboy song Entombment For A Machine? It's a dumb name as it wasn't a nonsensical phrase like See you next tuesday or my children, my bride. It should've been like Entomb My Daughter Sally. That'd be bitchin. The album cover was gay too with some dark, evil forest. What are they tree huggers? They needed a mutilated chick on the cover to me to jack off to, not some Lord of the Rings shit.


This album also came out like 50 years ago and is old as shit. I think we really need to recycle old music because only music made in the past 5 years is good. Where they like influenced by Vanilla Ice and Michael Jackson cuz there wasn't any heavy music till Slayer released the song Raining Blood for Guitar Hero back in 2004. I love Guitar Hero and they have some great shit like Avenged Sevenfold and Slipknot. I used like that stuff till I got into the really heavy stuff like Winds of Plague and Salt the Wound. There also like from Sweden or Singapore or somewhere like that. Don't they just listen to polka and A-ha? Real metal doesn't come countries with 24-hour nights in an extremely cold winter but from rich suburbs where the parents buy you a brand new car but are assholes because they say they won't pay the 1000 dollar phone bill you used up talking to your underage girlfriend. Yeah we have tough shit here.


In their photo they all look like dbags with long hair and leather jackets and next to some giant cross in a graveyard. That's just creepy. They should've taken it by a gym with all of them having Yankee flatbills and looking tuff like Emmure. They're so br00thal by the way.


While I am really tough and extreme thanks to my heavy music and working out a lot, I know that I'm hear all thanks to the love of God. If Entombed weren't just the biggest douchebags ever, then they trash Jesus as a liar in the last track. Hey guys, you're going to hell for that! I mean all the really extreme bands like August Burns Red and Impending Doom know that Christ loves everyone and he died for you. I dare these faggots to say that to his face since Jesus worked out all the time and was really hard. I mean my crew(Maple Street Brotality, represent!) would beat the shit out of them since that's what metal is all about: hate moshing people for dumb fucking reasons.


So if you're looking for some music to dance to like an overtly imaginative first grader imitating his favorite kung fu films , you need to go buy that new Plea For Purging album, not this old man death metal that my grandpa listened to.
_________________
Rare shirts of DEATHKEY, AMORPHIS, DEMONCY, SSP, etc.:
http://www.nwnprod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=840646#840646
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PxRxPx



Joined: 27 Apr 2009
Posts: 505
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 9:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bwhahahaha!!!



You can two-step to some parts on that record tho..just sayin dawg... Embarassed
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
adrian5118



Joined: 30 Dec 2008
Posts: 2670

PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

PxRxPx wrote:
Bwhahahaha!!!



You can two-step to some parts on that record tho..just sayin dawg... Embarassed

Mad... Razz
_________________
Rare shirts of DEATHKEY, AMORPHIS, DEMONCY, SSP, etc.:
http://www.nwnprod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=840646#840646
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Father_Fuck



Joined: 06 May 2009
Posts: 368
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 6:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woah. I'd hope this is a joke (sad part being I know kids who share this view on the topic of "Dinosaur Metal")
_________________
GHOAT wrote:
I want to to make album, how does guitar play? Is hard?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ZummahT



Joined: 04 Aug 2009
Posts: 695
Location: NYFC

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 6:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOL!
_________________
Eva, ave Isis. Vade Lilith, vade retro Mirzam! Jesus Bethlemitus maledictus est! Gloria tibi, Domine Lucifere, per omnia saecula, saeculorum. Amen.

AGRATH
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Devoured Death



Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 1834

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 6:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There is no chance in hell that can be serious. No-one that stupid would be bothered to write something that long.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
schoolslave



Joined: 13 Jul 2009
Posts: 557
Location: USA/GER

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 6:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Devoured Death wrote:
There is no chance in hell that can be serious. No-one that stupid has the ability to write something that long.


Corrected.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Adoomado



Joined: 05 Sep 2007
Posts: 578
Location: MATARó

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Teitanblood - Seven Chalices

The Spanish formation Teitanblood has an odd way of prioritizing what has to be done in order to release a record. The artwork, for instance, is of a superb level of awesomeness. Furthermore, the songs are interchanged with high-quality sound-bites and orchestra scores. However, the music on ‘Seven Chalices’ is of a very appalling level and has been recorded in what seems to be a Medieval fashion. Teitanblood does not care. Teitanblood comes from Spain and believes that death metal has to be über kvlt.

Sp let us play the game ‘do not sneeze out your drink’. Take a big chug of whatever drink you’re in to and let me introduce you to the band. On guitar: Usurper of Eternal Comdenation and Inverted Crucifixion. Bass and vocals: Iniquitous Templar of Iron Black Faith and Deathrapist Redemption, and finally on drums, the one and only Morbid Entity from the Depths Below. The true underground is still alive! I’m laughing my balls off.


Rating: 25/100

http://www.lordsofmetal.nl/showreview.php?id=13772&lang=en
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
GoldenBull



Joined: 10 Jan 2008
Posts: 6778

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Adoomado wrote:
Teitanblood - Seven Chalices

The Spanish formation Teitanblood has an odd way of prioritizing what has to be done in order to release a record. The artwork, for instance, is of a superb level of awesomeness. Furthermore, the songs are interchanged with high-quality sound-bites and orchestra scores. However, the music on ‘Seven Chalices’ is of a very appalling level and has been recorded in what seems to be a Medieval fashion. Teitanblood does not care. Teitanblood comes from Spain and believes that death metal has to be über kvlt.

Sp let us play the game ‘do not sneeze out your drink’. Take a big chug of whatever drink you’re in to and let me introduce you to the band. On guitar: Usurper of Eternal Comdenation and Inverted Crucifixion. Bass and vocals: Iniquitous Templar of Iron Black Faith and Deathrapist Redemption, and finally on drums, the one and only Morbid Entity from the Depths Below. The true underground is still alive! I’m laughing my balls off.


Rating: 25/100

http://www.lordsofmetal.nl/showreview.php?id=13772&lang=en


Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
tom245



Joined: 20 Jul 2007
Posts: 691

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Father_Fuck wrote:
Woah. I'd hope this is a joke.


Nooooo.... Really? Rolling Eyes
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
blodhemn9



Joined: 12 Aug 2009
Posts: 4733
Location: Chicago

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Like, where's the Brees?? "

That was the best part by far. I fucking HATE that shit.

BRRREEEEEEEEE BRRREEEEEEEEE BREEEEEEEEE .


I've seen that Teitanblood review before. What fucking moron wrote that, a Nightwish fan??
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
In Solitude



Joined: 10 Sep 2008
Posts: 3543
Location: Seattle

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha, probably. I've seen it as well, and I was wondering what his problem was.
_________________
bvr wrote:
One does not have to be a wise-ass scholar to successfully channel certain things.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
dalecooper



Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 2849
Location: Athens, GA

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That review devoted way too much energy to an easy target. It's like posting pics of Guidos - funny in small doses, but if you make an entire web site about them, kind of pathetic.
_________________
http://unspeakableaxerecords.com
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Father_Fuck



Joined: 06 May 2009
Posts: 368
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've always loved this review of Revenge's "Victory.Intolerance.Mastery"

So there's this band from western Canada called 'Revenge', see? They're VERY extreme. They're so tough that they wear spiked leather and bullet belts in layers. Their superion antichrist powers are so potent that they can kill a priest just by looking at him. Their hatred of all sophistication runs so deep that if they discover any color photos of themselves on the internet, the immediately have the photographer killed. Their music? Well, that's so chaotic and brutal that... well... it barely sounds like music at all, frankly.
Seriously, this blows harder than a category 5 hurricane. Is it chaotic? Yes. But being chaotic is a means, not an end. Does it sound evil and intimidating? No, actually. If anything it sounds stupid and irritating. The whole album is little more than a 28-minute wall of noise consisting of near constant blasting [there are percussion fills, too, but they're usually sloppy as hell], rabid caterwauling, and a dense, low rumble that's ostensibly guitar and bass, but in reality sounds more like an old dustbuster with a clogged intake. There are sporadic breakdowns in most of these 'songs', where things slow down enough for the guitars to become audible for a moment [if nothing else, it means that the drummer gets lactic acid buildups in his limbs and has to quit blasting so he doesn't cramp up], but these don't really give Revenge any credibility as musicians either. The bits of groove sound like there was literally no effort put into writing them, which only makes me assume that the same can be said of whatever riffs are buried under the mindless cacophony that takes up 95% of this record. It's all tedious as hell, and reeks of extremity for extremity's sake. Obviously, there are those who will claim that there is more to this band than what they put on record... that their whole aesthetic is that of savagery, chaos and war. But if you're going to have your music sound like this, why make music at all? If you're trying to make a statement, why not simply circulate a pamphlet, or hell, uhm... use intepretive dance, for instance? Music is meant to be enjoyed on its own merits, not as a function of some externality. Sorry, but as a band, Revenge is utterly pointless.
And yes, I'm well aware that Pete Helmkamp is part of this band. I know he's talented and intelligent because both AngelCorpse and Order From Chaos were great bands. But what I hear on this Revenge disc indicates only that none of his talent or intelligence are being put to good use here.
I love chaotic music when it's done well. Immolation's 'Close to A World Below' is a great example of this, as are the first few Immortal albums, Voivod's 'Killing Technology', and countless grind albums. What sets those apart is that they have genuine artistic license and actual musical substance, which Revenge does not.

_________________
GHOAT wrote:
I want to to make album, how does guitar play? Is hard?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
CR99



Joined: 26 May 2007
Posts: 9568
Location: M�lheim an der Ruhr/Germany

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

blodhemn9 wrote:
"Like, where's the Brees?? "

That was the best part by far. I fucking HATE that shit.

BRRREEEEEEEEE BRRREEEEEEEEE BREEEEEEEEE .


I've seen that Teitanblood review before. What fucking moron wrote that, a Nightwish fan??


What's wrong with Brie
delicious
_________________
Good/Bad traders list
Trade/Salelist
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Nuclear War Now! Productions Forum Index -> Main All times are GMT - 8 Hours
Goto page 1, 2, 3  Next
Page 1 of 3

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group